If you’re reading this now, you might be hoping for peace, rest, and some old sense of normalcy. You might be wondering what is in store at the end of this year and how to get through all of it.

What have we gone through already? Just to name a few:

Black Lives Matter protests
Explosions in Lebanon
Hong Kong protests
Outbreak of COVID-19
Police Brutality
Potential war in Middle East
Unprecedented unemployment
Wildfires in Australia

And more recently for those of you in the SF Bay Area…

A new school year with remote learning for students
Continued heat waves
Scheduled electric shut offs
Thunderstorms
Wildfires

There’s certainly too many events this year to list.

Difficult Emotions

With life changing quickly, it’s normal to experience feelings such as:

Fear: What if my family is displaced by the fires? How can I take care of my kids if they’re learning at home and I need to work? What if I infect my loved ones?

Anger: I am upset that my life is out of my control and I can’t do the things that I want to. I’m enraged that people aren’t taking the BLM movement seriously. Doesn’t anyone care about basic human life?

Confusion: When will things go back to how they were -- with my children playing with their friends and I could visit my family? Why can’t the government stop giving mixed messages on just about everything?

Grief: I lost my job and I can’t find a place that is hiring right now. I may never be able to see my grandparents in person again. I am grieving for the COVID deaths in my family.

Magnified Emotions

I’ve found that in my professional and personal roles, that these times are exacerbating underlying conditions. If I already struggle with anxiety, these circumstances of the unknown, change, restriction, and loss, only increase my worries and fears. Our minds, like an “overly helpful friend”, may want to fill in those gaps and answer the questions we come up with. Will I be able to retain my job next year? Probably not and it’ll be hopeless and disparaging to find another. I haven’t had any conflicts with my neighbors, but given the social unrest, will they change their perception of me because of my skin color? I don’t know and I’m afraid to find out.

Addressing Our Emotions

So, what do we do with these feelings, thoughts, and experiences? How do we care for ourselves? How can we respond in a healthy way? A significant challenge is our inability to resolve world events and social issues. So, what can we actually do?

A resource from Al-Anon comes to mind. It’s called the 3 A’s - Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. This strategy can be beneficial to center and ground ourselves, which then prepares us to take action in our lives based on our values. Let’s try it together.

3 A’s

A- Awareness
Recognize what is happening to you physically and/or mentally.

I’m aware that I have tension in my body; my breath is shallow, and my mind is racing about all of the possible things that can go wrong in my life given the current state of the world.

A- Acceptance
Understand that it’s okay to experience negative feelings and which circumstances are out of, or within, your control.

I don’t like it at all, but I accept that I’m in an extremely difficult situation and that I can’t control a lot of what’s happening aside from my own actions.

A- Action
Be creative and take steps to change circumstances that are within your control. Your well being relies on your actions being aligned to your values.

Value: My physical health is important to me.

Action: I am going to try to be as best informed as possible so that I can take appropriate safety measures.

Value: My community is very dear to me.

Action: I am going to take more initiative to connect with my neighbors, friends, and family by keeping in touch and spending time together safely.

“Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.”

— Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

There's a deep dissatisfaction about where you are in life and a longing for things to be better. You see things are "greener on the other side" and you jealously see "that person's life looks so amazing." You ask yourself, “Why can’t I be like that? Why can’t I do that?”

Don't let those questions be rhetorical. If you search for answers, this arduous time is an opportunity for self-growth and reflection.

I suffer from a few chronic illnesses and honestly I am frustrated when they interfere with my personal and professional goals. Working through that frustration was a process I struggled with internally; it challenged my sense of self-reliance and accomplishment. "I can do it all! I can reject this part of me!"

Not quite. Those illnesses had other plans.

Chronic conditions are part of who I am as a person and acceptance is part of the growth and healing process. In my journey of frustration, I reflected on a few topics and questions that might be helpful to you all.

1. What is important in life?

What do you value and what matters to you in this life? What drives you and gets you motivated about your day, week, and beyond? Powerful motivators include financial security seen in a positive light, knowledge, family, truth, connections with others, and spiritual well-being.

That itchy, unsettling feeling inside? That’s incongruence when you don’t live according to your values. You wouldn’t be getting upset over something that didn’t matter.

The more aligned you are to your values and beliefs, the greater authenticity is in your life. If you can focus on what's important to you and work to align your actions and values, the richness and meaning outweighs, I’ve found, the hardships that occur.

2. What can and can’t I control?

I often explore this concept with clients and it’s amazing what our minds want to believe. You want to believe that you have a sense of control. It's normal to grasp at a sense of security. But the world isn’t safe and you don’t have control over tomorrow's events. Even with a good plan, you never know what will really happen.

Is that just accepting defeat? Absolutely not.

Defeat comes when you give up on things you do have control over. I’m reminded of a quote by Melody Beattie.

“The only person you can now or ever change is yourself. The only person that it is your business to control is yourself.”

― Melody Beattie, from Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

You’re in control of your actions and how you respond. You're responsible and have agency over yourself and only yourself. Once you understand this, you can see what areas you can release and focus on what’s within your command.

3. Lastly, what grounds me?

The term “being grounded” refers to being in the present moment. This process of self-soothing can occur through a connection with a constancy. Is there something in your life that anchors you in a safe way? Something that keeps you from drifting off into feelings of frustration, of historical trauma, or of overwhelming pressures?

These grounding connections come in all forms. Maybe it’s an affirmation about your identity and what brings you back to reality: "I am a wonderful, work in progress." Maybe it’s a relationship you can depend on with a friend or sibling. It could be drawing on the constancy of God.

"Faith begins when self-sufficiency ends. It starts when I realize that my best is not 'good enough'. And that’s okay. I’m not perfect. It formulates when I understand that I cannot always do what I plan to do. I do not have the capacity, skills, knowledge, or power to save others from their own hells. I cannot generate miracles and make good things happen by myself. I cry out to my Abba Father, my Heavenly Father, my Savior. I release whatever that is weighing on me and I know that I cannot give up. I will not give up. I am powerless and flawed. And that is fine, because my faith is now starting to begin."

So at the end of the difficult day, whatever you may be experiencing, consider these questions:

1. How can I zoom out and see the direction I want to take in life?

2. How can I zoom in on myself and reality test what my control capacity is like?

3. What or who can I attach to that is unchanging and gives hope I can draw on during a challenging chapter in my life?

The act of asking and sincerely seeking answers to these questions changes a complaint into a powerful exercise in reflection and self-efficacy.